and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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