Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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