did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
