We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
