from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
