roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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