If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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