Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
