Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
