my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
