I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
