party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
