my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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