my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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