I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
