It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
