Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize