i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
