its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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