quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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