the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
