Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
