the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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