do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
tell me about the eggs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
