i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
