Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
