I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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