Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
