Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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