Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
