ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
