you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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