did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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