They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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