Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
