Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
