I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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