i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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