I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
