i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
