I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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