I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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