Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
