Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
