Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
