I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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