I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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