drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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