I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Drunk is not a location!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
