i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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