I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
