I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
