At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
