My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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